In 1990, as I neared graduation from university, I found Aikido while looking for some martial art that fit my love for the mysterious world in which I live. Russ Alvey Sensei welcomed me into his integrated practice of Aikido with a ready and powerful spirit. I watched him deal with people on the mat and off with peaceful and firm affection. His inner and outer practice seemed to me to weave a faithful, loving spirit I find extremely compelling.

In 1994 I chose to pack some things and leave my home and family so that I might do nothing other than “get” Aikido as deeply in my body, mind, and spirit as possible. I had found the martial expression of my relationship with my God and felt Moved to dive in as deeply as I might. I must admit that the romantic dimension of the part of the hero journey that is apprenticeship has never been lost on me. The role of The Servant helps me build the imagination filled, enchanted part of my life.

From January of 1995 until February of 1997 I followed Patricia Hendricks Sensei as Uchi Deshi, most often training on the mat from four to six hours a day, while serving as manager and guardian of the dojo and growing alongside the Aikido of San Leandro family. I discovered in my teacher the unparalleled virtuosity for which she is know worldwide. My experience is that her pinpoint placement and energetic specificity uproots resistance and consistently teaches her students with amazing clarity and depth. With nothing but praise on her lips, Pat Sensei chose to separate us with no explanation given in September after my Uchi Deshi ended. I suffered with her decision and returning to her, hoping to find some inclusion in the decision making process until January of 1999. Meanwhile, I wandered. I visited San Francisco area dojos and found myself returning to Aikido of Berkeley, re-discovering the beauty and power of Kayla Feder Sensei. True to her reputation, Feder Sensei seems to me to have integrated the spirit and application of Aikido in such a way that in and out of conflict, on and off the mat, I feel challenged, taken care of, firmly respected, and provided an example of loving power each time I enter her sphere. I have ached all my life for the practice of peacemaking spoken of in most religions, many martial arts, and innumerable personal philosophies to flower abundantly and live large in the world. We say we want everybody to have what they need, but in practice we often end up in destructive competition for the experiences and things that we want. The still, small voice within me calls for the widespread cultivation of daily habits such that every human being expects to relate with no less than respect to all parts of life. It becomes clearer to me every day that regular practices tend to alter the practitioner, changing the spirit and expressions of self according to the nature of the discipline, the texture of instruction to which one submits oneself, and the Way in which one applies oneself to study. I am pleased to sing out that I am finding my Calling. Any practice may be reduced to one basic question:

What do I do ? If I am a banker, I bank. That is my practice, though I may have more than one. Though it is possible to avoid such reflection, the question that naturally follows if you aspire to any level of proficiency is - How? What elements make up the Process by which I do what I do?

This opens up a whole can of proverbial worms, because there are layers and layers of interrelative causes and effects in any given system. So then the question is what to do about that maelstrom of motivation? The Artist dwells there as best she can, returning to the edge of her tolerance for that mystery as often as possible. The faint of heart retreat. Fair enough. Most folks find themselves swinging somewhere between extremes, depending on their needs at the moment. I certainly do.

The person who moves to dominate or passively coerce upon discovering conflict, be they martial practitioner, CEO, or humble house husband calls into serious question anything they might have to say regarding their desire for Peace and Goodwill to prevail in the world. It may be said that they are certainly not alone in doing so, but where does that leave us in this system of living in which every thing, living or not, is tied together physically and spiritually? I would like to suggest that the answer to that question might be found in our habits, some of which we got saddled with at an early age, and all of which are accessible to being shaped by the daily practices that we chose. We then return to our simpler beginning question and an accessible example or two: What do I do?

If someone leaps out of an alley swinging a two-by-four at my head, do I get clobbered because I feel unprepared and overcome with surprise that someone would victimize me? Do I snap into action with hardly a thought, thanks to years of training myself to react, and neatly crush his trachea with my rigid fingers, thereby contributing significantly to world peace? Or do I completely insist on a different frame for the conflict without destroying him completely or in part. What do I do?

When my wife returns to that place of judgment where we both know all my issues come right to the surface, do I strike her, physically or with my intimate knowledge of her weaknesses? Do I recede from the front, but undermine her cleverly when she is later in need? Or do I accept my fear, find whatever space is needed to stay on center, and try to stay connected as I get at what is really going on with me, maybe say where I hurt, and ask her to support rather than undermine the very changes for which he is asking?

In any case, the person I prepare myself to be, habitually, becomes who I am, whether I get what I want in a particular conflict or not. Every time we connect we have the choice to make peace or continue to work for dominance. The only useful response I can get at is the one I learned at the hands of more than one bully as child. There is always somebody bigger. Rather than perpetuating our culture of plausible deniability and rugged individualism, I would like to suggest an alternative informed, though the practical applications are infinite, by my love of Aikido. It really is simply a question of preparation and continual application of the question “what are you willing to do to be who you say you are?” What do you do when you feel under attack? What are the automatic assumptions under which you operate? If any of them involve your right to react to preserve yourself regardless of the outcome - that feels rather like grade school to me. If any of them have you getting what you want at someone else’s expense, no matter how insignificant it may seem, you are personally responsible for perpetuating violence in our world. There are uncounted numbers of martial arts, business ventures, relationships, and crises. The question I promise to pose to myself minute by minute is “what do I do?” not only “what should the world be like?” When in conflict, the judgments you accept are the places where you will get clobbered. Standing across from an attacker, when I decide he is fond of using his hands it will be his kick that does me in. Arguing with my employee, it is the assumptions I have made about his usefulness, character, and intentions toward me that will prevent me from realizing that inside our conflict is the element that can save us both endless pain and heartache, not to mention potential insolvency. If I only have the patience to remain curious about what’s going on, rather than deciding how I will win, then I may be instrumental in our both getting what we want. It is that simple. When I power through, everybody loses. When I remain curious and engaged from my center, with my feet firmly on the floor, then I may be part of the beautiful transition from dog-eat-dog world to everybody cared for and well fed.